The Turner I Can't Touch
by Black Crystall Draygon
Summary: Jack POV. OneShot, angsty fic that made me cry while I was writing it. I had really bad writer's block and a science test. I wasn't a happy bunny. Jack is a bit OOC. It's quite confusing, but you'll probably get it in the end ... I hope!


Disclaimer: The mouse owns it all. I just shamelessly stole all these characters because … well I just did. All hail Mickey!  
  
Warnings: Slash. Very mild. Just kinda depressing.  
  
(Just one thing. This chapter is not the sort of PotC I usually write, and I don't usually do depressing, so if it's crap please just tell me, don't flame. And it's got a theme tune: 'No Goodbyes' by Blue. Just don't ask why. Oh, and it's Captain Jack Sparrow's POV in case ye didn't guess)  
  
*  
  
The Turner I Can't Touch.  
  
I see you, watching the shore get further away. You're thinking of her, I know it. But there's only the ocean is ahead of us now, and there's just us. My ship, with you as the rest of my crew. You turn to me, and I see your dark brown eyes again. Oh why, Turner, why can't I resist you? Why do I fall into your eyes whenever I look into them, and why don't you succumb to my seductions?  
  
You turn away again. I know what you're thinking – and that you don't think of me. I think of you every second, and each of my heartbeats is just for you. You are my reason for living, Turner, but you can't see that. All you see when you close your eyes is her face. My competition. My eternal ridiculer. When you sleep, the only one in your dreams is her. Why not me?  
  
*  
  
Because I never told you. I never let you know how my heart sings when you're near. I never told you that every dream I have is about you. I never promised my heart to you, though I wanted to every time I looked at you.  
  
*  
  
But you would have mocked me if I had done. You would have told me to be serious, that I was joking, that I didn't mean a word of it. That derision would be too much, Turner. Too much for my heart of so-called stone to take. And I can't even tell you now. Your eyes are too fogged by your love for her to see the love in MY eyes. To see what you could have with me, your captain, your friend … Because I love you, Turner, even if I only say so in my head.  
  
*  
  
*  
  
My Pearl, my treasure, my freedom … Now I have everything again – or so everyone thinks. I know you can see me, Turner, that you are watching me, watching the Pearl bring me that horizon.  
  
You're with your precious wife now. My precious opposition. Can you see now what still lies in my heart, Turner, can you? Can you see the love here, the love you could have had? Maybe … I'll never know. I'll never know what could have been. What might have happened. If only I had just once said those words to you. If only I'd told you I love you.  
  
The crew thinks I'm mad, standing here at the helm muttering "I love you" over and over, but I can't help it. They think I'm talking to the Pearl – idiots. I can love nothing but you, Turner. I have more gold than I need, and I have my Pearl and I have nothing to fear. I am Captain of the fastest ship in the Caribbean. But happiness is something I cannot have. The one thing eluding me.  
  
Because your grave is at the bottom of the ocean.  
  
Barbossa did not suffer enough for killing you, my dearest William. Now I will never know how you felt about me. And that is too much. I almost died when I heard what Barbossa did to you. But it was too late – too late to make him suffer as you did, William. And now I have almost everything I ever wanted, I want none of it. All I want is you.  
  
*  
  
I let go of the wheel of the Pearl. The whole crew watches as I walk to the side of the ship. The Caribbean sunlight glints off the sea. Suddenly I see you, beckoning me to come to you, smiling that sunshine smile. You could brighten my day by smiling, William Turner. Oh, my Bootstrap, I want to come to you …  
  
"Jack!"  
  
I turn away from you. Your son's eyes are wide with fear. "Don't leave me, Jack!"  
  
I turn back to you, my eyes blurring with tears. Which Turner to choose? The one who is as untouchable as the sun and married to a good woman, a governor's daughter, who is waiting on shore … or the Turner who is dead at the bottom of the ocean and who lives in my head with his wife, equally unreachable?  
  
Oh, how my heart bleeds. I need to feel your arms around me, Turner. All I need is you. But your son … how can I hurt him? He is the last link in the chain of your family. You wouldn't want me to hurt your only child, would you, Bootstrap?  
  
I turn to your son. He reaches out his hand for me to take. I glance over my shoulder at you. You shake your head, smiling. You can wait another day, my love. You can. But your son … how can I leave him without telling him everything about you? Everything his mother never told him to shelter him. Would you want him to die without knowing who you were? And there's only me left now who can tell him.  
  
He needs me, Turner. Your son needs me. He needs to learn before I come to you. And I'm the only one who can teach him. But I will come back to you, one day. One day I'll know if you ever you loved me and you'll finally know how I cared for you. But not yet – not so soon.  
  
When I've taught him, William. That's when I'll come to you.  
  
I promise you I'll teach your son everything he needs to know before I come to you. I know that's what you want. You're smiling at me; I know you are. I smile as I turn back to your son, tears spilling from my eyes.  
  
Will takes my hand. I smile to him. He whispers, "Don't leave me, Jack."  
  
Suddenly I see the love in his eyes. I turn back towards the sea – you are gone again. No angelic help from you on this one. His hand grips mine tighter. The Turner I can touch is standing right before me. And I realise something that was never so obvious before. I smile and squeeze his hand. The Turner I can't touch can wait beyond the grave with his wife.  
  
Right now, the Turner I can touch is right before me, waiting for my touch. And I can barely wait to get to my cabin to touch him. Because that's what we both want. The warmth and security of each other's arms, to feel love again after too long only feeling the touch of the sea.  
  
Oh, my William, I apologise. I apologise for my jealousy of your wife, my lust for you. I was wrong when I said I could never love another. I was so wrong. Because there is someone I love now. Someone very much alive. My dearest, my love, my Will Turner.  
  
*  
  
(OK, hate the world moments rule! I was going to kill Jack, but I decided to throw in a little Will/Jack goodness. By the way, in case you didn't get it, it was Jack ranting on about Bootstrap Bill, then he realises at the end how he really feels about Will. OK, I'm done. Please review now.) 


End file.
